a housekeeping note

I woke up today to a misty morning in the countryside and the sound of wolves howling.

My life is so awesome right now.

I am aware that this summer has been the summer of fluff, which is understandable as I haven't been teaching or doing anything of any interest. I've just been coasting and working out the last few weeks of my job and waiting for my life to start. Granted, while that was happening I managed to get a new writing gig, fall in love (with my wonderful J soldier boy and writing partner extraordinaire) and become oddly addicted to writing online interactive fiction so I haven't been too miserable!

But! Now I have finished my horrible job and have a blissful, totally non stressful week of moving house, registering early for college and getting to know New Boy, the nameless until he earns it new addition to the Odd household. But then I get to spend a week teaching littluns and the "apples" section of this blog begins in earnest.

That is, of course, if I am capable of ripping myself away from Spore for long enough to post.

Mmmmmm..... Spore.

reviewage

My first review for the fine folks at Pajiba is now up!

You can read (and comment on) it here should you so wish.

ugh... just ugh

This is one of the most mind bogglingly stupid and offensive things I have ever seen.

"Improve your willpower"? How about live life as a horrendously boring robot with no passion or joy? My favourite part is the "top tips" which I will paraphrase here for your hissing and spitting needs:

BAN JUNK FOOD.“If you want to buy sweets for the kids, buy a pack at a time,” says Marisa. “It will keep you and them healthier.”

CURB VARIETY. “The more varied our diet, the more stimulated our taste buds are and the more we crave various foods,” explains Marisa. “Try to stick to three food types in each meal.”


BE PREPARED. “If we feel peckish and have only a vending machine, we’ll be ordering a chocolate in no time,” says Marisa. “Always have a healthy snack to hand for emergencies.”


DON’T FALL FOR FREEBIES.“A free cake may seem irresistible but being overweight is the biggest expense of all,” warns Marisa.


REMEMBER FEELING GORGEOUS. “Think back to a time when you felt at your best,” says Marisa. “Store that feeling and remind yourself of it when you are feeling low or tempted.”


FOOD WILL ALWAYS TASTE GOOD. “You have a lifetime to taste good foods – but only about 30 years of your adult life to look truly sexy,” says Marisa. “Make the most of it now.”

Emphasis mine.

Yes, because what better way to "make the most of now" than living a life of deprivation and self abuse?

I fucking hate Sun Woman. I really, really do.

And of course this has been emailed to the fantastic folks over at Shapely Prose, as hopefully they will eviscerate it far more efficiently and in depth than I ever could.

to counteract

To act against the hideousness of that Cosmo video, ladies and gentlemen I give to you Margaret Cho and what I consider to be her finest ranting hour:

Can I get a "fuck yeah"?

because it's all your fault!

Remember ladies, if you happen to be dating a man who is incapable of decent human behaviour such as finishing with you before running off and sticking his dick into the next warm thing with ladyparts... it's not his fault.

It's yours!

I really fucking hate Cosmopolitan magazine. I hate it and all it stands for. I hate its "sex tips" (seriously, if you find a man who doesn't either laugh nervously or scream in horror when you suggest introducing pineapple rings and a scrunchie into the bedroom: you're already doing it wrong), I hate its "fashion spreads", I hate the adverts for plastic surgery interspersed with features on how to feel good about yourself. And now I hate its YouTube videos.

Aces.

Oh and from the comments:

dont understand how women can think u can actually be in a relationship with a man and not have sex as one of your priorities. thats like having a car with no car insurance or gasoline. u wanna keep a man?- then take it form a man, be adventurous in bed and FREQUENTLY, also dont nag us- let us drink our beer watch our porn and pursue our hobbies... do these two things and i guarantee your man will love your forever- trust me im a guy.

Yeah, not only is he a guy, he's a catch!

Slightly more heartening are the feministing comments:

I hate segments like this because it virtually erases any concept of a women's sex drive. I am by far the more sexual one in my relationship and it always pisses me off that it's never acknowledged that women want and love sex too. I don't have sex because my husband is hardwired to have sex and needs it a lot. I have sex because, damnit, I like orgasms.

Amen, MzBitca. A-freaking-men

If you need a week or two off work and think that stabbing your own eyes out through sheer frustration and the desire to make it fucking stop may be the way to do it you should go ahead and watch more of the drek the Cosmo channel on YouTube vomits out on a semi regular basis*

[Via Feministing]

*Note: This is not actually recommended. At all. Please don't.

can't... stop.... watching

I have now watched this six times in a row and show no signs of stopping. It makes me ludicrously happy so naturally I will share it with you:

Amazing.

immediate reactions

Several things occured to me whilst reading the following article, luckily it's short. So I can go through it line by line

Prince William is thinking of getting a tattoo and my advice would be: don't do it.

Why the merry hell is this in the sports section. Seriously. I mean the author hasn't even done the fabulously original thing of adding "like David Beckham's" to the first sentence so seriously, why is it in the sports section. It makes no sense.

I remember my missus, annoyed that I was ignoring her in the bedroom, getting the letter "B" tattooed on each of her buttocks, believing that because I was obsessed with Brigitte Bardot it would refresh my libido.

This didn't happen. For several reasons: I refuse to believe this man is married and if, if by some slim chance there is a woman out there who can put up with his overarching vileness I also refuse to believe that she would get a tattoo in an attempt to get him to have sex with her.

Also: lamest and most obvious set up for a joke ever, Brigitte Bardot? Way to be relevant there Writer Guy! And how would having the initials of someone you fancied tattooed on your partner increase your libido? Again: That does not make sense. Seriously. If you're going to attempt to set up for the world's unfunniest punchline (see below) then at least put in some effort, guy.

When she lifted her dress and bent over to show me the artwork I went berserk. "Who the hell is Bob?" I wanted to know.

I thank god I wore my corset, for I fear my sides have split.

What's acceptable on a 20-year-old is too ghastly to contemplate on a 60-year-old. That goes for tattoos as well as me.

Whu? If someone could explain that last sentence in the comments section I would appreciate it massively. Is it some kind of cunning innuendo? A scathing commentary on our ever ageing population? A poorly executed attempt at a pun? Help a girl out here.

If you ever get the chance of going home with a choice of two women (unlikely, I know), always plump for the one with the tattoo.

Ooooh you just know this is going to be good. Please, rain down your wisdom upon me oh Mirror Sports columnist. I need to understand in order to reach the godlike heights of your sexual prowess and wit.

She has already demonstrated she's willing to have a go and regret it at a later date.

Sorry. Got distracted there by all the tumbleweed.

Bookies Paddy Power are betting on the tattoo the Royal Willie will get and make 'Mum' a 6-1 chance and 'Kate' a 7-1 chance.

D'ya get it? Do ya?

I fucking give up.

hmmm

You know why this doesn't annoy me?

Because I've actaully been to Oceana.