write your own... tattoo themed "news" story!

Title: Must include the word "ink", a pun on the word "tattoo" or a reference to permanence. Sample titles: Written in Ink, Tatt's all folks, Tattooed for thought, A permanent part of the student body.

Photograph: Either a celebrity that has one or more tattoos (note, they do not have to be mentioned in the text), an exterior shot of a tattoo studio or fuzzy close up of a tattoo taken from flickr.

Article text: Take at least six of the following, in order:

[Comment on tattoos being a "hot new fashion trend", possible reference to reality TV show]

[Note on how tattoos are "no longer just for sailors and convicts" bonus points for implying sluttiness of women with tattoos by mentioning prostitutes]

[Statistic on number of people possessing a tattoo, bonus points if figure covers the "number of people under twenty five"]

[Tenuous link to college campus/workplace/city/demographic that article is being written about - sample text: "tattoos are now a common sight adorning the bodies of Princeton's students" or "more and more Mothers are now sporting tattoos"]

[Citation of celebrities who have tattoos. Bonus points for the following: Mike Tyson, current American Idol contestant, Avril Lavigne/Rhianna or celebrity that has had a tattoo altered or removed eg. Johnny Depp. No extra points for mentioning Angelina Jolie as this is a prerequisite to publication]

[Quote from semi-articulate person who has a tattoo, possibly on the nature of "personal expression" or "remembering milestones", must include comment about individuality for full editorial impact]

[Quote from tattoo artist about how people are starting younger and going bigger with their tattoo designs]

[Cursory explanation of the difference between flash and custom designs]

[Statistic concerning number of people who now regret their tattoos - bonus points if this is backed up with a quotation from an HR goon about hirability]

[Quote from a "doctor" specialising in laser tattoo removal, possibly referencing follies of youth, definitely citing patients who have had a spouse's name removed]

Factfile: Pick one of the following options:

Tips for getting a tattoo (including inspired gems such as talking to prospective artists, checking portfolios and being really sure of the design you want permanently etched into your skin)

Tattoo removal methods (cite physical abrasion for maximal shock factor and tattoo removal creams to be extra misleading)

Article Comments: Must include at least three of the following:

"Everyone has tattoos now, personally I think I'm being more of an individual by NOT getting one"

"I hire for a large company and you can call me old fashioned but I wouldn't employ anyone with a visible tattoo" (note: this must be followed by at least seven accusations of discrimination, bonus if one cites employment law)

"I think they're OK on guys but tattoos on women are trashy"

"I went to [good school] and now work as a [impressive profession] and I have tattoos, therefore I am proof that everything you have said is wrong"

"TRAMP STAMP"

"Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD. Leviticus 19:28" (three posts pointing out that this is taken entirely out of context are also required with this comment)

"I think a couple of small tattoos can be ok but the big ones are just nasty"

"You have to wonder what these people are going to look like when they're in their sixties. That tribal butterfly won't look so good then!"

[Note: for best impact just under half of comments should be poorly spelt and grammatically incorrect. The word "tattoo" or some variation thereof must be misspelt at least every other post, acceptable variations are "tatoo", "tatto", "tatood", "tattoo'd" etc.]

unmitigated joy

Ten things that are making me quite unforgivably happy today:

1. Wearing my new light blue blazer with ripped jeans and battered converses. It makes me look like a punk rock Mother of the Bride.
2. The sun is out and for once I'm not stuck in a windowless office, completely unable to enjoy it.
3. Going to the supermarket and spending half an hour in the cookware aisle choosing new cake tins and measuring cups.
4. Waiting until it gets dark, turning all the lights off then holing up in my room and immersing myself Ico
5. The prospect of going drinking with a fellow Pajiban before the week is through.
6. Issues 7-12 of Runaways and the fact that I bought them at a mini sci-fi convention I accidentally stumbled on while out clothes shopping.
7. My soon to be shiny bathroom, replete with new shower curtain.
8. Spending my afternoon making ooey gooey chocolate brownie cake while singing along to Fiona Apple.
9. This book in all its strange and grotesque beauty... and the fact that it's the first book I've read in years that's sent me reaching for the dictionary at least once every chapter.
10. The fact that after a blissful day entirely to myself my house will be filled with people this evening, people that I can feed and entertain and give the damned Wii back to.

a note on the ungrateful

Many thanks to the fabulous Girl With Curious Hair for the call to arms on this issue...

So, science is inherently evil is it? You know what? Fine. I give up. There's no point arguing with a statement like that. I could cite advancements that have been life saving, revolutionary. I could point to dear friends who are currently in the care of the medical profession, people the world would be a worse place without. I could start talking about engineering allowing international travel and reliable water supplies, architecture providing us with shelter from the elements, maths and physics explaining the world around us. I could talk about space travel, genetics, communication, crops being farmed with improved yields, AIDS medication, water purification, computers, printing presses, heart bypasses, bionic limbs, cameras, telescopes, video games, sunscreen, decongestents, cars, clock-radios, MRI machines, cinema, electric lights, mass produced clothing, canned food, electric shavers, CAT scans, pencils, the notion of gravity, post-it notes, life as we know it. But I won't. Instead I'm going to say this:

All scientific discoveries are the work of Satan and we'd be much better off crawling around in the muck and dying from poisoning brought around by eating foraged food. Same goes for animal testing, that's bad and totally unnecessary. Yep. Absolutely. While we're on the subject of things that are important to me being crap I'm also totally going to admit that all feminists are evil too. That entire political movement was a pointless waste of time and should never have happened.

Just a couple of points:

re: Feminism. I'd like everyone holding the above view to raise their hands. OK, Ladies would you kindly stop voting, driving, owning property, wearing trousers, having any control over your medical care, getting an education, working, earning money, enjoying a life without violence as standard, going into pubs and bars, eating alone in restaurants and having orgasms. Gents, you're going to need to head right back out the door to work because, guess what? You have seven kids to feed (contraceptives, what? Never heard of em) and a mortgage to pay. Alone.

re: Animal testing. Please stop taking aspirin, paracetamol, morphine, vicodin... oh screw it, you know what "medicine", yeah stop taking that. Oh and could you also stop having surgery. Of any kind. Although especially heart surgery. Anything life saving. Although you can probably still have your appendix taken out. You just can't be anaesthetised while we do it. It's cool though, here's a rag to bite down on. Hope you don't get a post surgical infection cause we really can't help you with that.

re: Science. Well, if you managed to survive this far without medical care, heating, electricity, transport, living in a building, eating processed food, eating organic food, hell - eating cooked food, defending yourself or you know, having fire to provide light and warmth could you please move it out to the mountainside, possibly into a cave, you're going to have to walk there though. Barefoot. And wearing some sort garment fashioned from leaves and bits of twine that you've hand woven from tree bark. Actually "weaving" that's a bit advanced, maybe you could just sort of hold them on or something. You also might want to stay in the shade, I hear skin cancer's a bitch without access to treatment. Don't bother packing either, we all know that suitcases are the work of the devil. You won't need that laptop you write your charming anti evolutionary screeds on either, and leave that bible where it is. The printed word really isn't for folks like you. OK, now could you just sort of sit still for a while. Don't move. You might discover something. That would be bad. Sit very, very, very still.

Oh yes, and get the fuck off our internet you ignorant, anti-intellectual, narrow minded, Luddite wanker.

ooooooh SHINY!

I was going to save this for my 100th post (fast approaching, I've decided to go the incredibly self indulgent route and resurrect the old "100 things about me" meme so please feel free to skip it and I promise I won't pull a similar stunt for my 200th post) but the coding bug caught me this evening. I know, Friday night in at my computer tinkering around with HTML code: hedonistic, right? At least I have a bottle of wine by my side. Anyways, it's something I haven't done in years and I must say I rather enjoyed the graphic making/random trial and error testing that it involved.

I hope you like it! If anything is hideously hard to read/glaringly ugly/bothering you immensely leave me a note in the comments and I'll see about getting it fixed because I'm accomodating like that.

Anyway tell me what you think. Validate me and comment.

as per your requests

This is the photo from my latest session (and yes, there is a session missing - it's the stuff below my waist and I'm avoiding posting photos of my ass online, I will put up full sized finished photos though promise), not really much new stuff but you can see that the direction has changed somewhat. We're going for a art deco/comic book hybrid feel (especially with the new outlining) - there were much more sketchy lines adorning me but Kamil decided that he couldn't risk losing what we had done so far so I got some unexpected tattoo work done. But my shoulders are finally covered - so hurrah for that. Anyways, here's the picture:

I go in next towards the end of July so I'll be walking around looking like an unfinished canvas for a good few months. Again. So yeah, comment away.

this actually makes me tear up...

Something to placate you while I prepare my upcoming photo post and also just cause I really want it on my blog.

Even if you've seen it before please enjoy. I cannot explain how much I love this song the video that goes with it is self explanatory really.

interview redux (very long and incredibly boring)

So, the interview.

After days of freaking out re: lack of school experience, my presentation not being written until the morning before (finishing acetates ten minutes before leaving the house - great plan!) and feeling horrendously under prepared I actually managed to feel incredibly calm on the morning of the interview. This calmness was not affected by the unbelievably creepy guy at the bus stop who struck up a conversation with me about my book and then proceeded to s-l-o-w-l-y unbutton his jacket while looking me directly in the eye. It was fucking creepy and had the bus not arrived at that particular moment I'm about 80% sure my day would have started with a flasher. Excellent. I had to run to work before my actual interview so that I could sneak into the printing room and make copies of all my documents (literally every piece of ID available to me as well as qualifications, past pay slips, tax records etc, I'll give them points for being thorough) I managed to only get spotted by one of my managers in work, on my day off, wearing a suit. Wonder if she suspected anything?

Typically I arrived about twenty minutes early so I sat at the bus stop reading my flasher-magnet book and checking my watch every three seconds, when that became too much for me I wandered down to have a look at the scary religious folks handing out free food. The area around the college itself is seriously pretty - there's a big green park (Russel Square, where this show is set) and a ton of other colleges so there are always massive gaggles of students wandering around. All in all a lovely atmosphere. It was then that my Mother chose to call me and start the following conversation:

"Hello darling, I just wanted to wish you luck and to say that even if you don't get a place, which you will, I'm just so proud of you for getting an interview on the course. I know you don't like things to be so competitive but I know you'll do fine."

"What are you talking about, Mother?"

"Your course. The league tables.... Young lady, did you apply to college to train for your future career without even looking at the league tables?"

"Maybe."

Yeah. She had a look through the league tables for PGCE (post graduate certificate in education - that's the course I applied for) courses and apparently I applied to the best course in London. I didn't know this. I chose providers pretty much at random based on geographical location to make sure that my school placements would be within the Greater London area. I was not prepared to hear this. Calm mood shattered. I had prepared for an "average course" interview, not a "top course" interview. There was no way in hell I'd done enough preparation to be up against people who actually knew what they were talking about. But! No time to worry on with the interview.

I met a girl waiting for the lift who looked decidedly uncomfortable in a suit, a sure sign of an interview candidate. What I should have done, if I had any kind of killer instinct whatsoever, was size her up and attempt to psyche her out. What I actually did was lean over and ask the following:

"On a scale of one-to-utter meltdown how freaked out are you right about now?"

She gave a perfect reply ("eight and a half, nine by the time we reach the sixth floor") and I decided that breaking the cardinal rule of "don't talk to other candidates lest you freak yourself out" was probably a good idea. A neuroscientist like me, applying to teach Biology, she'd started preparing two days previously and hadn't spent the last three years volunteering in schools. At least there was going to be one person like me. We arrived on the right floor bang on time and met the other candidates. Lots of awkward smiles and questions as to which subject everyone was specialising in (2 physicists, 3 chemists, one half physicist-half chemist, one half chemist-half biologist (moi) and five biologists). We were shepherded into the meeting room and left to our own devices while our interviewers "prepared" (ominous much?).

I think silence reigned for about six seconds before three of us started talking at once. In a room full of people who were willingly going to stand up in front of a class of eighteen year olds in an attempt to convince them that the inner workings of the human ear is the most fascinating thing they'll ever study (it isn't) there were bound to be some talkative people. We immediately started comparing notes, discussing presentation topics, lamenting (or celebrating) the fact that presentations were going to be one on one, finding out who'd been working where and just generally talking ourselves down from a state of supreme nervousness. In fact it took our primary interviewer a few tries to get us to shut up.

From then on the atmosphere was absolutely lovely, (helped by the first point of the interviewers' presentation which informed us that this was not a competitive process and that they could feasibly take everyone in the room if they liked us enough and we meet their specifications) whenever someone left the room to present or interview there was a chorus of "good luck"s and whenever someone returned they either spent five minutes reassuring the room how nice the interviewer was or running through every question they'd been asked. I don't know when it happened but at some point the day became fun.

The interview had a few different sections: first up a mini ice breaker (standard "tell us your name and something about yourself" fare) followed by a presentation from the college explaining things like term times, how placements functioned and were assigned, the structure of the course etc. Next we had a group discussion which was based on some basic science questions we'd been sent in our interview pack - stuff like "where do stars come from?", "A tree is made of air and water - is this correct?" and "Why is mercury a liquid when all the other metals are solids at room temperature?". I remember those three because those were the three we were asked. I think I spoke at least once for every question while some people in the room only piped up once they were called on. There was one guy, a physicist who was quite a bit older and had been working as a technician in a school for years, who kept going off onto huge rambling and very technical explanations that unfortunately had obviously been memorised. I had to bite my lip a few times to stop myself from butting in, especially when it was to defend myself (we were encouraged to point out flaws in the previous speakers' answers) but I managed OK and didn't make myself look like too much of an idiot.

Next we were given a writing task with questions to answer based on a specific situation we'd already been given. An individual writing task. I think we all turned in identical essays. One of the guys suggested a group answer a la Breakfast Club signed with vague descriptions of ourselves. He was ace. But then I tend to think that about anyone who complains that they now have to cut the jokes out of their presentations. Anyway, the writing task was ongoing whilst we were called out to either give our presentations or to be interviewed formally.

My presentation was first. I was a little nervous about giving a presentation to just one person as I generally perform best to a crowd. My worries were completely unfounded though as I nailed it. To. The. Wall. I think my concluding remark was something along the lines of "and that's why stem cells are so awesome"... I'm guessing I got points for enthusiasm. And, as it's my pet topic I was able to answer all the questions I got asked so I'm really glad I didn't just write up a topic from the A-level course.

After the presentation came the interview, which was the section I was really dreading. The way the course is run you have to be capable of teaching all three core sciences (including some geology and astronomy thrown in for good measure) up to GCSE level (which is age 16) you then get to teach your specialist subject at A-level. I utterly sucked at the physics questions and froze up on a question about global warming which is a massive deal as the course is so intensive that they really don't have time to go over any subject knowledge at all - you're expected to know it going in. Which I didn't. The other issue was my lack of school time. The interviewer happened to know my secondary school which means she knew exactly how small the class sizes and how well behaved all the students were - she warned me that it would be a massive culture shock going in to an inner city comprehensive (a fact that I am acutely aware of, believe me) and stressed how incredibly important it is for me to get class experience as soon as possible regardless of how the interview went. The last subject we discussed was my flexibility at A-level. As I'm a biochemist I'm qualified to specialise in both Chemistry and Biology, and Chemistry is a major shortage subject. I explained that I'd be willing to take extra classes to qualify in Chemistry as well if they needed me to as I understand the importance of having competent and enthusiastic teachers in the harder science subjects but that I'd still want to at least audit the Biology specific modules.

So yeah, that was pretty much the scope of it.

Hmmmmm... I feel like I'm missing out a detail... now what was it? Something about the internet... maybe a letter...?

Oh yes! I remember:

I got in. To do Biology. Come September I'll be well on my way. Now the real work begins. I have to spend my summer re learning everything I've ever forgotten about Physics and really brushing up on my Chemistry. I also need to go shopping for some dark, long sleeved, collared shirts to hide the tattoo (which got ever so slightly bigger on Monday with plans to extend it even further) and some smart-ish sensible trousers. Because evidently the subject matter and class control aren't the issues here. Nope, it's how I'll look that's really important.

I confuse and scare myself sometimes.