a very special day

Tomorrow is February 14th, a magical day where all is right with the world. It's a holiday that celebrates all that's good in life, a day for you spend basking in that warm and radiant glow, where your head spins and you are dizzy with joy and elation. It's a day when you speak kindly to strangers and embrace the world for all the wonderful things it offers. Above all that it's a day to share with that special someone:

That's right kids it's Tequilamas: because Jose loves you, even if nobody else does.

A Festival Is Born: The Origins Of Tequilamas

Tequilamas is a traditional celebration that stretches back for well over three hundred and fifty days. In the early days it began as a festival of togetherness, celebrating the bonds formed under the watchful and benevolent eyes of the god Olmeca. Sacrifices of limes were made and scantily clad maidens took turns at sculpting figures from salt to encourage the new year to be rung in free of hangovers.

Unfortunately this feeling of unity could not last for long, in the fifth cycle of celebrations a freak hurricane swept through the carnival arena devastating all that lay in its path. When searching for the cause of this hurricane the people discovered a strange shrine to the god Hallmark made of a sacrifice of red wine, rose petals and an insipid looking stuffed bear that had obviously been purchased on clearance at the very last minute. It was seen as a terrible omen, one that threatened the sanctity of Tequilamas. From that day forth it was decreed that those who worshipped the heathen god of Hallmark or who partook in the rituals he overlooked were forbidden from partaking in the Tequilamas festivities, lest they bring misfortune down on the heads of the faithful.

Changing Rituals: Tequilamas Through The Ages

The methods of celebrating the festival of Tequilamas have evolved over the years. In the early days, when tequila was an integral part of the people's everyday lives, the spirit drunk at the festival was of the purest form, blessed by the high priest J Cuervo (he would later go on to be canonised as Saint Cuervo, and would inspire Jose's Prayer; a hymn synonymous with the modern celebrations of Tequilamas), and coloured gold. As time went by and people forgot the old ways the spirit used for the festival decreased in quality - eventually leading to the dark ages when revelers would partake in £1 per shot off-label tequila. These were dark days, the gods objected and, when their prayers to the deity AlkaSeltzer fell on deaf ears, the people knew the old ways must once again be taken up.

Tequilamas celebrations are also subject to regional variations and there has been fierce debate between factions as to the correct way to properly honour the gods (for further background information please refer to The Great Citrus Wars and the schism between the factions of White and Gold), a conflict which in fundamental spheres still rages today.

As time has passed the numbers of those celebrating the festival have dwindled, they are often outcasts from their peers who have inexplicably turned to he heathen gods for comfort. At first this threatened the existence of the celebrations but the faithful came together and discovered that their status as virtual strangers fostered the original spirit of Tequilamas and the bonds formed during the festivities were the envy of the non-believers. Recently there has been a trend towards people who are not loyal to the god Olmeca wishing to experience Tequilamas themselves - debate has raged long and hard on this issue and opinion is still divided although, in the spirit of Tequilamas restrictions have begun to be lifted.

A Day Of Festivities: Celebrating Tequilamas

Modern day Tequilamas is a relaxed affair in most circles, lacking in many of the prescribed rituals passed down through the ages. The discriminatory view of the followers of Hallmark has remained although the ban has been unofficially lifted (Hallmarkians can attend the festivities if vouched for by a member of the organising committee and they are able to prove their dissatisfaction, bitterness, unhappiness or status as "alone" on the allotted date - they will however, be subject to a fine). In some circles you will even find revelers partaking in mixed drinks (with very little derision from Tequilamas veterans). While you are welcome to imbibe Margaritas and Sunrises if you wish you will find that the full Tequilamas experience really comes from getting into it. The "spirit of things", if you will.

Tequilamas traditional costumes have varied over the years (although the forbidden colour pink can still not be worn there has been a recent movement to reclaim the colour red - revelers wear it on their feet to symbolise the crushing of the heathen god's ideals) one element has remained: Nametags. Throughout the ages those celebrating Tequilamas have come to understand the beauty of such an item. Often groups celebrating on the festival day are virtual strangers having been outcast by worshippers of Hallmark, nametags are useful in this situation. Especially if hand decorated.

All Tequilamas celebrations begin with the three toasts: One to the god Olmeca, one to Saint Cuervo and the third to the fellow revelers. Each toast is accompanied by a shot of the sacred liquid.

Following the three toasts comes the fining of the non-believers: If Hallmarkians are allowed to attend the festivities they must stand before the room and renounce their god for the evening, taking instead the god Olmeca (loyalty is demonstrated by performing the hallowed ritual of "Shot Race" with other non believers). Any indulging in activities sanctioned by the god Hallmark (or his demons) will lead to immediate expulsion, there can be no exceptions.

Music and games follow, such classic family entertainments as "One Shot Confessions", "I Have Never", "Body Shots" and "What Other Alcohol Can I Mix With Tequila? Rum? Yeah, That'll Work. Tequila, Rum and Orange Is Bound To Taste Great. What? We Don't Have Any Orange? I Dunno, Just Use Iron Bru Or Something" are undertaken and songs, including "Jose's Prayer" and "Ode to the Scorpion" are lifted high into the rafters.


Now that you know the history and practices of this ancient and hallowed festival I charge you to go forth into the world and take the spirit of Tequilamas with you.

In the name Olmeca, Jose and The Scorpion I bid you good health and a merry Tequilamas.