You'll have to forgive me now dear readers (all two of you left - I abandoned you! I'm sorry! I blame this place and the very nice young gentleman who bullied me into playing with him there. It's sucking up my time and energy in the most awesome way imaginable) while I talk about two of my very favourite things: Sex and gender politics.
Those of a nervous/prudish/overly excitable disposition may want to look away now.
A recent feature on kink published on The F Word (a superb UK based Feminist blog that I highly recommend you check out) and the presence of a new(ish) man in my life* (who I am pretending is not reading this so that I can make my point) have led to me feeling the need to articulate an opinion. Stay with me on this, I have a point. Honest.
So here's the thing: I've always been kind of a natural submissive. I think this is partially to do with being an absolute control freak in every other area of my life but mainly it's because I'm just really, really lazy. The way I saw it as a younger woman was thusly: if you're being restrained you're not doing any of the work and really, what could be nicer?
Then I got a older and a little wiser and realised that it was slightly more complex than that and loss of control was probably a major factor. And then I got older and a lot wiser and realised that serious levels of trust (and some strict ground rules) were the only thing that made that loss of control work on any kind of non-horrendous level.
Then I started learning more about Feminism and things got more complicated. Because on an academic level I know that female submission is highly fetishised by society (for an incredibly decent summary of why this is the Sex chapter in The Beauty Myth is an absolute must read) and that while deeply personal my own kinks could be treading into dodgy political territory. Because I spent so long completely ignoring my own internal and political belief systems it's very important to me at the moment that I figure out how everything fits in with my world view. Now, I'm aware that not everything fits together but somehow understanding why it is that certain elements of my personality do or do not gel with one another gives me a much better explanation of who I am as a whole. So the submission thing bothered me a great deal, I fully believe in political, social and economical equality so the fact that I could believe in what seemed to me, at the time, to be sexual inequality was a very disturbing thought. Although, it never felt unequal to me, which may have made my upset over the matter worse.
And that's why the article I mentioned struck such a cord with me. I've read Feminist discussions on sex before and always found that while enlightening they're also very, very confusing. Which is why I found Kit Roskelly's piece so affecting. Especially the following section, which is something I've thought in the past but been unable to articulate:
The power exchange is carefully negotiated and considered beforehand. It is paradoxically true that the submissive is more in control of any scene played than the dominant partner. Dom/mes take on a controlling role because they are interested in the sub enjoying the scene. They may also get an erotic thrill out of the scene they are performing, but the submissive controls the direction of the scene through negotiation and holds the ultimate veto, the safe-word, if the scene does not work out. The power-play is illusory.
Her point about the power of the dominant partner being an illusion is a good one as without the express permission of the other participant they wouldn't have that power in the beginning. The submissive in effect hands the power over to the dominant partner. It is a gift and one which can easily be revoked. I find that dichotomy alone endlessly fascinating, even without the other factors involved.
The point above also went quite a long way to helping me figure out why I have, in the past, been in certain situations that in theory I would have enjoyed but found myself, well "hating" may be too strong a term but... yeah, I'm going to go for "hating" actually. Which was an interesting revelation to receive so long after the fact.
So yes. That's my musing for the evening. Opinions? Comments? You know what to do.
*I am, incidentally, taking suggestions for how to refer to him in blog land as the moniker Mr TheOdd has been taken and soiled by the dreaded (and still apparently psychic) ex. Obviously I can't just use his initial as that's actually what I call him and hence wrong. So yes: answers on a postcard (or, you know, in the comments section.)
7 comments:
I am off to read the article you linked, but just wanted to make a quick comment.
I'm also a female submissive feminist. It's good to know I'm not the only one who has had a difficult time reconciling those aspects of myself.
Thanks!
I suggest calling your new fella Vermillion's Target Practice...or maybe Lucky (for now) Bastard Lord of Lies and Crap...or, you know, something else less insane.
Gender, sex, gender politics...none of those have traditionally been philosophically conceptualized as any sort of spectrum or Venn D=diagram until relatively recently. A professor of mine once pointed out that we, as humans (and he meant specifically as Americans in the context of the discussion), are not good with both/and. We are raised to think either/or, so when we come upon things that are murky, we assume there is some sort of dichotomy. The funny thing about dichotomy is that is can describe the difference between things that are opposed, but also the difference between things that are represented as being opposed. So we impose dichotomies on subjects where those lacunae don't necessarily exist. All that is to say: you are fine the way you are (but you don't need to be told that (-:). It's definitely a subject that bears thinking about, but I feel like anything goes as long as it's consensual and about sex and fun, and not punishment, abuse, or slavery (and my feelings on even consensual slavery are that are rather strong and perhaps contentious).
joniw: Hurrah for standing up for our right to be kinky!
Vermillion: I'll take it under advisement... and avoid giving out any personal info that could lead you to him ;)
geetch: I love getting your comments on my Feminism posts, they always give me something new to think about... and just when I've got it all straight in my head too!
Okay this totally made me think of an old Bloom County cartoon. Steve gets zapped by aliens and transforms into his polar opposite: a bleeding heart feminist with a perm. Anyway, he has this crisis about his girlfriend dressing up like a French maid for role play, but then they both come to an agreement that its not sexist because, as they both shout together, "Feminism is all about having choices!"
So maybe I could have explained it better, especially for those who aren't fans of Bloom County.
I'm going to go now.
alex: Thank you! I always enjoy your posts because they tackle a lot of the same issues that I think about, and you express yourself so well.
manda: I know exactly what you're talking about. And even as a feminist, I still think old Steve is funnier.
See, I'm nearly the polar opposite, I can't enjoy myself unless I feel like I have TOTAL control. That doesn't necessarily mean that I'm the aggressive party, it just means that if I don't feel like I'm making a deliberate choice about what's happening I stop everything. This could be fall-out from my first real boyfriend, or it could be the fact that I tend to shut down when I feel the loss of control in any aspect of my life. It's all a complex tapestry.
Manda, I know the cartoon of which you speak. It is a good example if that dichotomy.
As for internet monikers I either ask people or I find a fictional character they share attributes with.
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