Several things occured to me whilst reading the following article, luckily it's short. So I can go through it line by line
Prince William is thinking of getting a tattoo and my advice would be: don't do it.
Why the merry hell is this in the sports section. Seriously. I mean the author hasn't even done the fabulously original thing of adding "like David Beckham's" to the first sentence so seriously, why is it in the sports section. It makes no sense.
I remember my missus, annoyed that I was ignoring her in the bedroom, getting the letter "B" tattooed on each of her buttocks, believing that because I was obsessed with Brigitte Bardot it would refresh my libido.
This didn't happen. For several reasons: I refuse to believe this man is married and if, if by some slim chance there is a woman out there who can put up with his overarching vileness I also refuse to believe that she would get a tattoo in an attempt to get him to have sex with her.
Also: lamest and most obvious set up for a joke ever, Brigitte Bardot? Way to be relevant there Writer Guy! And how would having the initials of someone you fancied tattooed on your partner increase your libido? Again: That does not make sense. Seriously. If you're going to attempt to set up for the world's unfunniest punchline (see below) then at least put in some effort, guy.
When she lifted her dress and bent over to show me the artwork I went berserk. "Who the hell is Bob?" I wanted to know.
I thank god I wore my corset, for I fear my sides have split.
What's acceptable on a 20-year-old is too ghastly to contemplate on a 60-year-old. That goes for tattoos as well as me.
Whu? If someone could explain that last sentence in the comments section I would appreciate it massively. Is it some kind of cunning innuendo? A scathing commentary on our ever ageing population? A poorly executed attempt at a pun? Help a girl out here.
If you ever get the chance of going home with a choice of two women (unlikely, I know), always plump for the one with the tattoo.
Ooooh you just know this is going to be good. Please, rain down your wisdom upon me oh Mirror Sports columnist. I need to understand in order to reach the godlike heights of your sexual prowess and wit.
She has already demonstrated she's willing to have a go and regret it at a later date.
Sorry. Got distracted there by all the tumbleweed.
Bookies Paddy Power are betting on the tattoo the Royal Willie will get and make 'Mum' a 6-1 chance and 'Kate' a 7-1 chance.
D'ya get it? Do ya?
I fucking give up.
immediate reactions
at 11:58
Tuesday 12 August 2008
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6 comments:
It's in the sports section because that's where writers have the greatest freedom or leeway in (attempting) use of jokes or showing their mad humour skillz. Also, since the sports section rarely exemplifies any kind of journalism, the standards for any kind of relevance, accuracy, or "excellence" are much easier set aside. Clearly this writer was forbidden by the editor to touch anything Olympic, so on a comparatively slow sports news day, he must have decided to mix royalty (always a good attention-getter) with tattoos (cuz they've been in public discourse lately). Combine those ingredients with the insane (-ly low) wit and writing skills needed in the sports section and there you have a modestly offensive, attention-getting column inch or two of content. A win for the editor (space filled), a win for the paper (attention), and a win for the writer (creating a reputation). Sadly, the loss for the reader does not enter the equation. Oh, the 20 vs 60 yr old bit likely means that not only are tats wasted on seniors (with all that wrinkly/saggy skin), but so would the writer's womanising powers. Like you probably already knew, this guy's clearly a real winner. Not only has he established the heights of his wit, but also indicated the (desperately lacking) status of his sexual prowess.
I sense a kindred abundance of snark, sarcasm, and reserved cruelty in your writing. It must be a wondrous thing to see you on a full-blown indignant rampage.
Today in the Washington Post's sports section, in the double page spread devoted to Michael Phelps and his Freestyle relay winning ilk, there was an article about Tibetan yak cheese. It took up way too much room that could've been devoted to more pictures of hot swimmers, but I digress. It just seems like Sports sections are kind of an "anything goes" area.
I am sorry, but my brain would not let me read the whole thing. Seriously, you have done more to encourage my tattoo fetish more than anything.
By the way, you are on StoryCrafter now? And a superhero one at that?
...No, I won't do it. I am going to be mature and rational about this.
That is...neat, Alex. And not at all sexy. Nope.
lordhelmet: Excellent point, I guess I just never noticed before as I avoid the sports section like the actual, non metaphorical plague.
rusty: Yak cheese? Really?
Vermillion: Indeed I am, currently battling zombie minions. Braaaaaaaains....
You would have loved the comment I heard from my aunt and grandmother a few weeks ago. They were talking about tattoos for some reason, and it came up that the most experienced phlebotomist at their local pathology place has 'tattoos all down her arm', whatever that means...to which my aunt replied that she's probably good at her job because she's had a lot of experience finding veins.
Because clearly, all people who have tattoos are on several kinds of intravenous drugs. And as such are allowed to work in highly skilled health care areas.
God I hate people.
Mmmmmmmmm, Tibetan yak cheese you say...?
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