Two articles caught my attention today the first, over at Jezebel is a truly horrifying report of a woman in Sweden whose boyfriend fed her RU-486 without her knowledge in a bid to abort the foetus she was carrying. Even more frightening is the fact that he's not the first guy to have this stellar idea. The Jezebel article highlights some of the comments left on the original news story, which I'll reproduce here:
I find it interesting that he gets sentenced to 18 months in prison for trying to get rid of the fetus and she can legally get rid of the fetus by having an abortion.
Most of the responses to this are completely in tune with my personal reaction of "The FUCK? He drugged her, that's assault you fucking moron" which is always heartening to see. It's nice to know that rampant stupidity doesn't permeate to every last corner of the internet. As far as refuting the moronic arguments like the once above goes: it all comes back (like so many things) to the "my body, my choice" philosophy. I've been reading a lot on this subject recently and I have realised something very important. This is an ideal which I will fight to the death to defend. I will also say this, melodramatic as it sounds: if abortion or emergency contraception were ever made to be completely illegal I would have myself sterilised. For real. I don't care how painful, expensive or irreversible the procedure would be there would be no way in hell I would take that chance.* I'd rather never have children at all than have them before I'm ready for them. As for abstinence? Fuck off. I mean, you have met me right?
This brings me neatly onto the second article, via Feministing, which happily put me in a much better mood. Shockingly enough some women genuinely don't want children. Why? Because they just don't. I cannot tell you how happy this and the associated comments made me feel. The second I say something such as the statement I made above I immediately get jumped on with the "oh you'll change your mind soon enough"s or the "it'll be different when it happens to you"s and I am sick to the back teeth of it**. It's part absolute fury at being told what I will and will not feel at some undetermined point in the future (which I do not like) and part repulsion at the idea that I obviously will never be able to be a complete and rounded person until I have popped out a sprog. I've stopped saying that I don't want children now, not because I suddenly and magically do but because I can't take arguing with people over it any more. It appears that the answer of "because I just don't really feel I want them" isn't good enough and I utterly despise myself when I catch me starting up with the "I can barely look after myself, what would I do with a baby? I'd probably lose it. I even kill my houseplants HA HA HA" schtick which seems to be the only verging on acceptable response. Anyway, it's not as simple as that I'm not saying I'll never have kids just that I don't want them but people can't seem to understand this distinction. It is very, very simple: if I meet someone who desperately wants a family then, yeah: I would consider it. However, I also think that if I never got around to reproducing it wouln't be any great loss - my life would be just as fulfilling and I'd be just as happy either way. Is this a wildly radical notion? Does the logic of this not compute somewhere? It's another case of people assuming that just because they get something out of a particular situation (and yes, so do billions of other people) then everyone else must do too.
Although I will say this, having gotten older and making friends with women who actually are mothers some in real life (some in a life that just feels real) my perception of motherhood has changed. Realising that parents are real people (who can get irritated with their offspring, or find them unintentionally hilarious, or have any number of any other utterly rational human responses to a completely autonomous living entity) rather than the Stepford-bot mega-mommy 3000s I grew up around (seriously, private school girls have issues 90% of them parentally induced) my horror of having spawn has been downgraded from "I'd rather jump off a bridge, oh God. Why would you even say something like that to me? What the fuck, man." to "well maybe, if I had the money and the support and someone else who promised to feed them and clean out their cages... meh, what's on TV?". So there's always that.
* This is not to say that I am anti-children (obviously, or my future career plans would be kind of stupid), or anti-anyone having children ever. I am however anti-me having children. I am also anti-bringing a child into the world into a home situation that either doesn't want it or isn't ready for it.
** This particular rant may or may not have been brought on by the fact that my baby cousin, who ok is only 9 months younger than me, moved in with her boyfriend this week highlighting the fact that in my family's terms I am officially an old maid. Seriously, being 22 and not having met/married someone yet is positively deviant - especially as my Mother was living in London when she was exactly my age and yet she still had time to find herself a husband.
11 comments:
Sweetie, you're not an old maid until your father is worried that you're 'pickled' and your extended family starts whispering that you may be a lesbian.
(No, that wasn't a conversation I had with my dad on my graduation day, which no one in my family attended. Ok, maybe it was.)
Woman, please. 22 an old maid? HA! That basically makes me dead.
Oh, Alex the Odd, hater of puppies and babies. tsk tsk.
There is an easy way to fix this. Repeat this to your family verbatim:
"Since you all are so worried about me and my romantic/family prospects, I thought I should let you know now. I am already married to a nice African-American gent from the States."
Show them the carefully crafted wedding photo of us that I may or may not have already made.
That will end the talk right there. They may even disown you, so, bonus!
I also have the same problem, at 25. People keep asking me when I plan on getting a boyfriend. Or if I'm a lesbian. *sigh*
On the children thing, after my sisters started popping out babies, I found out that I'm not ready for that shit...also? I'm an awesome aunt!
I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting children. Men are allowed to say that, but if a woman says it...well.
Ha! Thanks for the shout. My life is a little too real some times.
Regarding marriage and baby-making, I think it is paramount that one finds the right person with whom to engage in both activities (a process which doesn't happen overnight and for many, certainly not in their twenties). I have had too many friends reach a certain age (like yours to be exact)at which they felt they should be married, then walk down the aisle with whomever it is they are bonking at the time. Or they date someone long enough and think that marriage is the next logical step. Surprise, surprise; most of these folks are now divorced.
You do your thing on your own damn time. Screw everyone else and their stupid timelines.
For most of my younger life, I thought I would grow up to be unmarried and childless; I actually embraced that notion as my future. Bully on me, huh? After I got married, my stock line about baby-making was "I'll have a kid if I can lay an egg and sit on it for nine months." Again, bully on me.
Come back to me in about sixteen years, and we'll see how good a job I've done as mommy to Little A, using his therapy bills as determining factor.
New reader by way of Pajiba. I get the exact same reaction about children - "oh, you'll change your mind once you meet Mr. Right." Doesn't that mean he probably isn't the right guy? Do I really need a man/partner/etc or a child to validate my life? I usually don't comment, but I just wanted to say I can relate.
You may or may not change your mind about kids. I did... but it was the other way around.
When I was 18, I was certain that I wanted a family some day. Now I wonder if I only thought that because I was supposed to.
The older I get (I'm 34 now), the less I want kids. I have no intention of pooping out any sprogs, as you so beautifully put it. If I end up with somebody who really wants them, adoption is the only answer.
GWCH: Bizarrely enough the lesbian angle wouldn't be a problem - they'd still point out that my cousin Peter is gay and he managed to get married. These people need help.
TK: Yep, I'm a heartless witch alright.
V: I'll...er, keep it in mind.
joker: The double standard gets me as well confirmed batchelor vs. old maid. Doesn't really seem fair does it?
Manda: You have just summed up exactly what's going on in my social circle right now. Been dating for four years? Well I guess we should get married. I shudder at the thought of that ever happening to me.
Jen: Hi! Nice to meet you. It's good to know that people empathise with my particular problem. And I agree - I really hope I'm validated right now in my current singledom. The thought that I might need someone else to define me is horrifying.
joniw: I've always felt strongly about adoption too. One thing I have said since I was five and will continue to say is that I will never physically give birth. Elective cesarian? Maybe. Adoption? Great. Birth with the screaming and the tearing? Erm, no.
You know what would help take the edge off? A kid. Or three. Just sayin'.
And yes, Vermillion is officially a blog stalker.
It's like you're in my head...
Stop creeping me out!
No, but, for reals, I've had that conversation with family members. Thankfully, my mom has the attitude that, if I'm happy, she's happy. But other members of my family are prone to harass me about my "I Don't Want Kids, No Seriously" stance.
Since I now have a nice pretty ring on my finger, I can only expect these attacks to increase. Sigh.
I'm 28, and I'm one of the youngest of my friends to be getting married (this summer... yikes that's coming up fast). Oh wait, crap, I'm 29. Damnit, I hate when I forget my own age. THAT makes me feel old more than anything else.
I know that, eventually, I do want kids. Very badly. However, I also know that I don't want them before I'm ready for them. My family, while being very understanding and lovely people, have a bad habit of reminding me that the chance of having a baby with birth defects skyrockets when you hit 32. As if that's a reason to go get knocked up tomorrow.
I wholeheartedly support any woman's decision to not have children, or to wait to have children. Why bring more humans into an overcrowded world if they aren't going to be wanted and cared for?
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