Just a quick post this piece on Jezebel made me think a little. I'm fierce about my personal space when out in public, quite frighteningly so sometimes, and I do seem to have a little bit of a rep amongst my male friends as being fairly scary. I don't think I am, I'm only 5'3" and I look about fourteen but apparently this has to come from somewhere (I think it's cause I look like I might bite if poked at).
Anyways, because of my "if you talk to me I will make you wish you had never been born" death glare (took years to perfect, totally worth it) and "Fuck off I'm taken" vibes I very, very rarely get hassled in bars. On the few occasions I have been groped though I have a very clear course of action
1. Politely request that the groper stop groping me.
2. Tell the groper that their continued groping of me despite my very kind request is making me uncomfortable and ask again for them to stop.
3. Inform the groper that I have now asked them twice to cease their inappropriate behaviour.
4. Put my heel through the groper's foot.
I have done this in clubs, (the first time I was actually wearing my favourite pair of stiletto boots, that had to be re heeled so many times that eventually I just said "fuck it, we'll go with the metal tips", this happened after that) and although it is probably not very nice and violence is bad mkay it is a) incredibly satisfying and b) not like I didn't give the guy ample warning.
On the street is another matter however. I am of the "make an absolutely huge fuss" school of thinking, I don't lash out unless I feel really threatened but I'm going to make damned sure that every single other person around me knows what's going on, even if they completely ignore me. One example of this is the time I was standing minding my own business entirely and waiting for a bus on a crowded street a guy in his sixties walked up to me from behind and actually wrapped his arms around me. Needless to say I was freaked. My response was to kick backwards, wrench myself forwards and question at the top of my lungs just what the fuck he thought he was doing. I continued berating him even as he slunk off, mainly because when my brain shuts down my mouth tends to run on its own steam. It was not a nice experience but shit like that happens all the time in London. One of my best friends, S, once had a guy sit next to her on an empty bus, pinning her in against the window and start jacking off while looking straight at her and grinning.
And that's when I really falter: when men expose themselves. I'm not quite sure what to do then. For some reason when it's someone directly assaulting my sense of personal space I can handle it but if it's not aimed directly at me I'm at a loss. And even if it is aimed at me I'm not able to handle it, I just tend to try and move away as quickly as possible - which is weird for a usually gobby cow such as myself.
Thoughts? Stories? Comments? Suggestions on how to deal with this kind of thing?
on retalliation
at 10:34
Wednesday 30 July 2008
Labels: gender issues, vindictiveness
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10 comments:
If you whack someone in the nose, they are automatically blind for at least two seconds. Two seconds is a lot of time in that kind of situation. You don't even have to hit the nose hard, although it does help.
Also, be aware of how you could use object in your vacinity as weapons. They don't even have to be big things, I'm talking about stuff like pens and cell phones.
Taking a self-defense class is never a bad idea.
Wow I sounds like a paranoid psycho...
So, my dad was a Marine. He taught me how to protect myself. One of the few good things he ever did, actually.
Oh, and Mace. Mace is never a waste of money.
Vicinity, dammit! I need more coffee...
I don't know how cruel you can be, but if there's enough space between you and the exposer, then two words should do it: "Point. Laugh." If that doesn't send the creep slinking away then you should really think about putting some serious space between you ASAP. Of course, if you're pinned against the window while he's doing it: a) offer to help (no, seriously!); b) grab his nuts and threaten to tear them off if he does anything to you (having fingernails embedded in the scrotum adds credibility here); c) while making him let you go, threaten to take his picture with your cell phone and go to the police if he doesn't give you the contents of his wallet as compensation (ok, this may not be legal but it would be worth it). That, or take his picture anyway and go to the cops - he may be so desperate to stop you he may try bribe you anyway.
Otherwise, yeah, if you're threatened significantly physically then go for the nose or the eyes, or try crush the windpipe - it may not work but it'll hurt like a bastard and give you a few seconds. I totally love your metal stiletto boots too, and also recommend self-defense courses.
PS - you must be delightful company! So much spirit and feistiness in such a little package.
OK< I'm going to delurk because I've had way more experience with this than any girl should. I think I have one of those "nice girl" faces that seems to draw these kinds of pervs.
I find that looking them straight in the eye and saying in a very loud, very controlled voice, "what the fuck do you think you're doing?" works wonders. The key is to keep your voice full of distain and annoyance rather than shock and shame and don't break eye contact. Get as many people's attention as possible then get as much distance between the two of you as possible. I've found that most of the time what guys who do that actually get off on is watching you get embarrassed and uncomfortable, not the actual public exposure.
If you're in the bus situation stand up as your saying it and FORCE yourself past him into the isle, just push right past him. If he resists in any way say just as loudly and just as distainfully "Let me out. Now." In my experience the staying calm is what does it, if you get flustered or embarrassed you'll lose all the power you had in the situation. Besides, there is no reason for you to be embarraseed, he's the one making an ass of himself, you just happen to be standing nearby.
OH! and in the vary rare instance these things don't work, "Leave me alone right now or I will scream." Then do so if he doesn't leave. Scream loud and long with hate and anger, not fear. Better to let him think you're a little crazy than scared.
If that doesn't work or if at any time he starts to come at you, well, that's a whole different situation and this has elevated a. Lot. Knee to the groin, elbow or heel of the hand to the nose, keep screaming and run for help.
I've had an encounter in a dark parking lot, at night, where a man waited for me to walk past his car and when I did he was standing outside the driver's side, completely naked, masturbating.
I (calmly) walked another 10 feet to the lit sidewalk and called the campus police number from my cell phone. I could see his license plate from where I was. Unfortunately, campus police did NOT pick up and he drove away before I could give them his plate numbers. All I could do was describe him and the car.
It was upsetting but somehow the knowledge that I was targeted for this solely because of my gender and not because of ME made it easier to deal with. I was even a little glad that it happened to me and not a girl who would have felt more threatened or frightened by the experience. As far as groping in clubs, I haven't had too much of a problem because I also have a world class "fuck off" glare and frequently come off "scary" to people. I think people use "scary" as a code word for "assertive" and view it as a compliment.
If some guy started whacking off next to me, I would offer him some lube.
...then pull out my Mace and let fire on his dick. And then in his face. And then maybe I'd kick him in whatever squishy area was most accessible. I would be all over him like Clive Owen in "Shoot 'Em Up" because you know what I hate? Being preyed on because I have a vagina.
Blonde Savante: Hehe, you can always tell the people that have Military family members, they're always so resourceful ;) I've considered Mace but I don't even know if it's really legal over here. Will have to ask the boy, he will know being a copper and all. Upside to that: if it is illegal he may still be able to get me some...
lordhelmet: Point and Laugh is very good advice indeed, I remember being told that as a kid when a flasher was roaming our school grounds on a regular basis.
And "delightful" is certainly a relative term!
lumenatrix: Hurrah! It always makes my soul happy to find out I have lurkers, thanks for de lurking! Definitely a good point re: anger and disdain. I used to have an excellent scream as a teenager but a lack of drama classes or wide open spaces means I don't get to practive it much any more, maybe I should go back out to the countryside and get my vocal cords back into the habit.
Rusty: I think "scary" is a badge that we should wear with pride.
Geetch: you know what I hate? Being preyed on because I have a vagina Someone somewhere needs to get that printed up onto a T shirt. And then send me one. Excellent.
Sadly, all the "what the fuck are you doing?" in the world doesn't matter when the person doesn't understand English.
I lived in rural Japan for a year in what is commonly considered (by the Japanese) to be the least friendly place in all of Japan. As I was walking back from the local supermarket after work one night, some middle-aged guy started following me. It was only a block to my house, so I just walked faster. Whereupon he grabbed my shoulder, presumably to turn me around so I could notice that his pants were completely unzipped and he was quite busy. I kicked, screamed, and ran.
The following day, the Japanese staff at my school informed me that it was all my fault for being out at night, and that's what I should have expected since I'm a female without a man around. And that if I ever had a problem, the last thing I should do is go to the police, since they would probably arrest me for being disruptive. Other teachers in other parts of Japan were shocked- apparently my area was just super, super backwards.
I became very fast on my bike, never walked to work again, and never went shopping after work unless a male teacher was going too. It made me really, really angry that I was that afraid.
I was walking to the train about two years ago down Market Street, an extremely busy street here in Philly, when the man who I had noticed was walking next to me for an inordinate amount of time (causing me to walk faster) suddenly jumped in front of me to proudly display his whacking off skills. My reaction? I laughed my ass off in surprise and immediately crossed the street...it was my first instinct.
Now when a man accosts me in the street or on the subway...or a bar...or a parking garage, I get angry. And scared. I certainly don't laugh...seeing a man jerk off in public is just more disturbing and shocking and, I don't know, indicative of some psychological problem. I've had men grab my breasts, put their hand between my legs in a crowded bar, follow me in their car while walking home (thank GOD for one way streets)...with those bitches I immediately grab their hands and push them away, and/or tell them to fuck off.
It's fun to be a girl sometimes [/sarcasm].
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